Book Review: How to Know A Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by David Brooks

Several months ago (honestly maybe a year ago) Michelle K. Left the book, How to Know a Person by David Brooks for me at the gym.  First off, I was very excited that one of our members brought in a book for me and Thank You Michelle! I was very intrigued by the title so I put it in my “to be read” pile, which unfortunately has gone quite large these days.  I am glad that I finally took the time to crack this one open.  

Brooks’s premise is simple but profound: in an age of distraction, division, and surface-level interactions, truly seeing another person has become a rare skill. He makes the case that knowing others deeply is not just a nice trait to have—it’s essential to being fully human.

The book is full of what Brooks calls “illuminators” and “diminishers.” Illuminators are the people who help others feel seen, valued, and understood. Diminishers, on the other hand, make conversations about themselves or overlook what others are trying to share. I found myself reflecting on which type I am on any given day—and how easily we can slip into diminishing without even realizing it.

One thing I really liked about this book is that Brooks weaves together research, philosophy, and real-life stories in a way that’s very readable. It never felt too academic or heavy. In fact, at times it reminded me of good conversation—honest, curious, and occasionally vulnerable. He also references a lot of other resources in the book, which has caused my “to be read” list to be even bigger now!

Brooks divides the book into sections that explore how we can better understand others’ stories, how we can “see people whole,” and how communities and institutions can help foster deeper connection. While some of the ideas aren’t entirely new, the way he ties them together makes you pause and think differently about your everyday encounters—whether that’s with a family member, a coworker, or the person scanning your groceries.

A passage that really stayed with me was when Brooks writes about the importance of curiosity, “The act of being curious about another person is a form of love.” This immediately brought to mind people that I know that just seem to instinctively know how to communicate with others in a way that makes you feel seen. I so admire those people and strive to be more like them. This quote also goes back to the idea of “listening to learn about others” and not always “listening to respond”.  Again I’ve been working on this for awhile now and I’m learning that really listening can change a relationship.  Brooks has presented me with a new challenge, asking good questions of others as a way to learn about and understand them.

This isn’t a book to race through. It’s one to sit with, maybe reread sections, and consider how we can each become better “illuminators.”

I would recommend How to Know a Person to anyone who’s ever felt unseen—or who wants to be more intentional about seeing others. It’s a reminder that connection starts with small choices: to listen a little longer, to assume the best, and to ask one more question.

Thank you again Michelle, I’ll be thinking about this one for a while. And now I can get your book back to you.