Book Review: Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy
Earlier this year Suzanne told me about the book “Good Inside” by Dr. Becky Kennedy. She spoke so highly of it that I knew it needed to go into the rotation for a book review for this year. As we were planning Mother’s Day events for May this book seemed like the perfect fit as it is a book about parenting. Full disclosure, I am not a parent. I am a former elementary teacher and I still do some tutoring, so this book definitely resonated with me. While this book is written for parents there is a lot that all of us, not just parents can learn from “Good Inside”. One thing that I have learned about writing book reviews is that what we bring to the book influences what we get from the book. I try to write my reviews objectively, but I did read this book from an educator’s point of view rather than a parent’s. Hopefully they are similar, but I also realize that they are not completely the same.
My favorite quote from the book is, “Yes, this is a parenting book, but at its core it’s a relationship book. The principals I’m sharing with you apply to your relationships with your kids but also your relationships with your partner, your friends, your family and perhaps most important … yourself.”
The book is broken into two parts. The first 10 chapters are the what and the why of the book. The next 19 chapters are the how. In the first section Dr. Kennedy discusses exactly what she means by being “good inside”. She looks at behavior modification techniques that were very popular for many years and then explains why they were not truly effective. She explains her approach and why it is a better alternative. In the second section of the book, she delves into specific behaviors and gives specific ways to try to deal with them with your child. She lays out scenarios that might occur with your child and the why and how to deal with them. In every chapter she gives parents specific language to use when talking with their child. Some of the topics she discusses are not listening, tantrums (both big and small), lying, sibling rivalry, separation anxiety, tears, whining and many more.
Because of the perspective that I brought to the book I was very interested in the first section. Dr. Kennedy’s premise is that we are all good inside. We might sometimes display bad behavior, but that behavior does not make us bad people. Her premise is that instead of trying to control or modify the behavior we need to learn what is causing the behavior. The only way to do that is to build relationships. There are so many good learnings in this section of the book that it is hard for me to choose just a few to highlight. This is the section of the book that everyone should read because what Dr. Kennedy discusses are ways to build relationships with anyone, family, friends, co-workers, etc. She also talks about how important it is to start building relationships with your children when they are young but if they are older, it is never too late to start. I several times felt like Dr. Kennedy is the Brene Brown for children and parents and if you know how much I love Brene Brown then you know this is the highest compliment I can give this book.
For me personally, it really hit home when she talked about why using behavior modification techniques with kids don’t work. As someone who started teaching in the late 80’s when teachers thought we were doing the right thing by using incentives and rewards for good behavior and time-outs or consequences for “bad” behavior, this gave me a lot to think about. Later in my career I began working with students who were struggling both academically and behaviorally and I threw the incentive charts and time outs right out the window. For me they were not working. What worked was taking the time to get to know my kids. Remembering that fair didn’t mean the same thing for every student and trying not to beat myself up too bad when the things I tried didn’t always work. I wish I had known then some of the language from this book that I could have used with my students.
The second half of the book is the practical aspect of the book. Dr. Kennedy gives specific scenarios about specific problems that you might be having with your child. She gives you the language to use with them. She explains why it works and acknowledges that it won’t always be easy. She also does not ever say that a parent should excuse bad behavior. What she does is give parents the tools to deal with the behaviors in a different way so that eventually those behaviors may change. One important thing to remember is that kids are people just like adults and we need to treat them with the same respect that we expect.
No child is perfect, no teacher is perfect, no parent is perfect. What we learn from this book is that if we take the time to build relationships with others and try to understand what others are feeling and where the behaviors are coming from then we can work together. We don’t always have to agree but we all need to know that we are safe, respected, loved and cared for.
Good Inside is an excellent book for parents and teachers. It is also a good book for people who want to learn about building good relationships with other.